As I sit here to start my post, I realize I am in a bad place. I am having a pity party. Maybe it’s because of the day. Maybe it’s the guilt of not getting to the cemetery because my kids no longer want to go and with all the snow, I wouldn’t of been able to get in anyway. Maybe it’s because I am watching Sleepless in Seattle. Not sure. I just know~
I miss my old life. I miss having Ryan here with me. I miss being a “normal” family.
I feel like I was cheated out of the “happily ever after” part of life.
I hate seeing only my name on forms for my kids. I hate not having my wedding ring on anymore. I hate having to be strong all the time.
This is not how it was supposed to be. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve this. My kids don’t deserve this.
The thing is bad things happen. I just wish this bad thing only happened to me and not my kids. Better yet I wish it didn’t happen to me at all.
But it did.
Some days I don’t want to be positive. I don’t want to make the best of what life has handed me. I don’t want to.
I want to be miserable. I want to not be able to function. I don’t want to be strong.
I want people to know and to feel my pain. I want people to see how lucky they are to have their life with their significant other and with their family.
I want people to realize that time doesn’t make things easier.
I don’t want to feel so sad all the time.
Well…..that felt kind of good. Hopefully when I wake up in the morning, I will feel refreshed and will even share this post. I have a lot I write and haven’t shared because I don’t want to be the “pity me” person. But another reality of my life is I have these moments. Everyone has these moments. But everyone decides whether or not they share these moments. It is hard to hide this side when you have suffered a loss like many of you reading this know when you think of your own experiences. So forgive me for this pity party….just one of those moments that I needed to get out. I hope it helps someone to know its OK to have these feelings and to feel all of them when life throws many things at you that you were never truly expecting. But it is how we try to make the best of a painful experience. We all have these days. We all deserve these days. We are human and we can only be that strong person for everyone, including ourselves, for so long before we need a pity me party.
***Thank you Pinterest for all the wonderful quotes***