It’s My Grief

Grief is different for everyone.  No one grieves the same way.  There is no time frame.  There are no instructions on how to do it properly.

Those of you who have suffered a loss of a loved one know how hard it is to process it and know how you handled it. You know it was a different process for you than it was for another family member or friend.  We all know this yet there are some people who feel you should grief a certain way.

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People were not, and some still, aren’t afraid to tell me how I should be feeling as well as what I should be doing since the loss of Ryan.  About a month after Ryan’s death, I was told that I didn’t react correctly.  I didn’t cry enough. I laughed with his friends when we all sat and reminisced and according to a family member that was not OK.  What this person didn’t know was how all I did was cried. But when my children were up and needed to be taken care of I was not going to have them remember their childhood as having a mom who laid in bed all day, cried, and ignored them.  See I consciously made the effort not to lose control of my emotions for the sake of my children…my very young children.

I have been told as early as 6 months following Ryan’s death by more than one person that I should start thinking about dating again.  It would be good for me and they would be OK with it.  Well thank you.  I am so glad that it is OK and this is what you think I should be doing. I was just recently told (this past weekend) again and this time told its been long enough.  YES people will feel it is OK to just openly tell you what they think is best.  Only YOU know what it is best.  I am not going to sit here and give my opinion on this topic.  For me, personally, it is not on my radar.  I don’t have time.  I don’t have the energy.  And bottom line, I don’t want to have to worry about another person’s feelings, needs, etc.  I have 3 kids, 2 cats, and a dog that demand this from me already.  The thought of adding another person to this list…no words.

You need to take as long as you need to go through all the stages of grief.  And maybe even read all the books people feel you need to read on this very topic.  If anyone needs a book, please let me know.  I have a stack in my closet 😉  MY grief is not the same as my in-laws’.  MY grief is not the same as my sister-in-law’s.  MY grief is not the same as our friends’.  MY grief is not the same as my own children.  It is MY grief.

6 thoughts on “It’s My Grief

  1. You are an inspiration!!! Being able to stay so strong for the children shows what a strong and courageous person you are! And, what a terrific mother you are!

    You have such a beautiful family and you are the rock, the glue.

    You always have been such beautiful person and now such an incredible roll model for your children and for many others!!

  2. This is a great post. I get so tired of people telling me how to grieve. Or telling me how to move on. I swear some days I’m going to hit the next person who tells me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. Grief is such a personal and individual thing. My grief counselor says “as long as you are not harming yourself or others, you’re doing it right.”

    • Thank you so much. It is extremely frustrating and a lot of times I “bless and release”. I always say unless you are walking in that person’s shoes, you have no idea what they are feeling or going through on a daily basis. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you strength to get through your loss.

  3. It takes more strength than we can imagine not to allow the judgement of others to affect us. Grief is so personal. You can walk around like nothing and only you know the torment that’s happening inside. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Your story is helping others cope and it’s helping many others learn to be more sensitive to those dealing with grief.

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