Losing a loved one affects people in so many different ways. It isn’t the same for everyone. But it affects you so deeply that you never fully get over it. As I continue to reflect on my own personal experience, I am trying to come to grips with how all of this has affected me. I know I am not the same person I was before. I have had to step up and come out of my comfort zone very quickly. I had to find confidence within myself and trust my instincts.
I am much more guarded than ever before. I am very hesitant when it comes to who I allow in my life. I know this comes across to some as I am antisocial, snobby, and maybe even bitchy. This couldn’t be further from the truth. When you suffer the loss of someone who was a part of who you were, allowing people in is extremely hard. It is hard to open up to people because of the fear of rejection and the fear of another loss.
I never knew I was capable of surviving this loss. The pain of my loss is hard to put into words. The pain is so deep and some times so overwhelming that to get out of bed and function seems impossible. The strength I have I never knew existed within me. I am quite uncomfortable when people tell me how strong I am and how much they admire me. I actually cringe when I hear it. I know I should be proud of it but it is hard.
I have never felt the kind of sadness I feel. There is a quote I saw on Pinterest and it says~
My smile hides a lot. But I am so grateful that I can smile.
I have learned to appreciate the little things in life. I am so grateful for this. I have less tolerance for drama. I strive to have a peaceful life. I strive to be a better person to others. I try to do more for others because I know how one little thing like a card or a text can really change a person’s day.
Loss makes you feel empty. It makes you feel like you have died as well. You never go back to being the person you once were. You learn to keep living without the person. You learn to have fun again. You learn to laugh a real laugh again. But you never forget.