Last Memory


My last memory of seeing Ryan alive is one I hold very dear in my heart.  It was a crazy morning as usual.  I was feeding the baby, getting Ella ready for kindergarten, and hoping Hunter wasn’t going to get sick again.  Ryan decided to start later.  I should clarify that by later meant when normal people start to work.

It didn’t matter how crazy it was, he always found the time to say good-bye to the kids and actually acknowledge something they would be doing that day.  It was the day before Hunter’s 4th birthday.  He was so excited because for the 1st time he would be having his own birthday party and not sharing it with Ella.  Their birthdays are a month apart so we always celebrated them with family and friends together.  So after saying his goodbyes to the girls, he went over to Hunter and pulled out his wallet.  He handed Hunter money to get a Lightening McQueen Pinata for his party that Saturday. Hunter’s face lit up!  Ryan said “I can’t wait to see your pinata buddy!” and he leaned down and kissed him good-bye.  He ALWAYS kissed them (all of us) good-bye.

We walked him to the door and he leaned in and kissed me good-bye and hit me on my behind.  He gave me the look~the look between a husband and a wife.  It was the look that I was very fortunate to get on a daily basis.  It was a look of love.  It was a look of flirting with me.  It was my favorite look.

He walked out the door.  Got in his car.  Pulled out of the driveway.  As he drove away, he beeped and waved.  That was the last time I saw my husband.

I chose not to view my husband’s body.  Many disagree with my decision.  But I wanted my last memory to be of my husband giving me the look.  The look that I will always remember and always know that he loved me.

6 thoughts on “Last Memory

  1. Marci, you are truly an amazing person! I know it has been a long time since we spoke/saw each other, but please know that even with the distance, I think of you and your beautiful family! Also, if you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to contact me…I am not too far 🙂

  2. I know my words probably don’t carry much meaning but I just want you to know how sorry I am to read this. It is hard when you don’t get to say goodbye to the people you love. One minute they’re there, the next they’re gone. It is good that you have wonderful memories and I don’t know if choosing not to see his body was the right move or not but I can certainly understand it. Keep the good memories alive and stay strong!

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