Putting it in perspective

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I have said it before and I will say it again….time just flashes by anymore. I had some house issues this past weekend and I could feel myself getting overwhelmed.  But as I waited for the plumber to arrive, I sat and took the time to put it all in perspective.  This August will be 10 years that we have been in our home.  In these 10 years, the only major thing we had to replace was our water heater and some windows as well as updating things to our personal taste.  So I really can’t complain.

I know for myself, I tend to get overwhelmed very easily when things go wrong in the house.  I think it is because I don’t know much about these things and am always thinking the worse.  Not sure why I do that to myself but I guess it makes me feel better when it turns out to be nothing major.  And really who truly knows everything that goes along with owning a home?  It is like with anything, you learn as you go and there is always a learning curve.

Owning a home is wonderful and overwhelming at the same time.  I find I am more overwhelmed than anything.  But it helped to put it all in perspective and realize how 10 years is a long time.  It may seem like it was yesterday when we moved in but the reality is it has been a decade!

Spring Cleaning~WOW!

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I started the daunting task of Spring Cleaning and there is just one word to describe it…WOW!  I decided to start in the garage. For some unknown reason I felt this would be the easiest place to begin plus I am having plumbing issues in the kitchen so there was no way to start in the kitchen.  I learned a lot about my husband during the reorganizing of the garage.  He was a hoarder!  For the longest time I thought I was the only one who had an issue of getting rid of things.  Believe me I have a HUGE problem of getting rid of things but in my defense my things have sentimental value.  Ryan’s things…not so much.

I was blown away by the amount of left over trim, aluminum whatever, pens (collateral from his job), paint supplies, and nails/bolts. I could see the nails/bolts.  But the left over trim and how it was stored…I don’t get it.  You can’t use it.  Plus since I didn’t know it was there and I am pretty sure he didn’t either, I would just go out and buy more.  It is not like it was the expensive stuff.  So what did I do? I threw it out and let me tell you, I am so proud of myself!  I seriously was contemplating holding onto it.  Now to figure out how to get rid of all the paint cans safely that are in my garage.

Another thing I learned was he had an addiction to his passion…hunting.  OK I knew he had different hunting clothes for different seasons.  But once you start to look at it all you start to realize just how much this man owned.  I could open up my own hunting supply store out of my garage.  Hmmmmm maybe I am onto something!  The man had enough camo, ammo, decoys, tree stands, antlers to rub (yes I know what you do with them), face paint, scents, boots, socks, fishing rods, etc.  And I realized he used one of our garment bags that went with our luggage set to keep some hunting stuff in!  Now this has sentimental value and I have not done anything with it yet.  This is something I feel I need to get approval for and it has to come from my kids particularly from Ella.  So it will have to wait until she is in a good place to discuss.

It was the first time I was able to go through Ryan’s things and smile without any tears.  I could smell him for the first time in a long time.  It was nice.  It was something I needed for me since the past few months have been very hard.

Now what will next weekend hold? I am hoping between now and then I will come across a magic wand and be able to wave it and everything in my house will be clean and organized.  Well isn’t that wishful thinking!

Cover ALMOST Blown

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I think I may have blown the cover of the tooth fairy.  Ella has recently lost 2 teeth.  She forgot to put them out for the tooth fairy.  Well she decided to do so last night.  But she forgot to do one thing….TELL ME!  And this is how my day started:

Ella:  (hitting me) “Mom! Mom!”

Me: (half asleep): “What?  What’s wrong?”

Ella:  “She didn’t leave me anything!” (insert 4th grade ‘I am SO mad’ tone of voice)

Me:  “Who?  What are you talking about?”

Ella:  “The tooth fairy!  My teeth are gone but she left me NOTHING!”

Me:  “Are you sure?  Did you look everywhere?” (where are teeth???)

Ella:  “Yes! (lovely tone again)”

Me:  “I am sure she left you something.  Maybe you missed it.” (sweating bullets now and WIDE awake)

Ella:  “She didn’t- forget it!” (storms off)

So I lay there for a minute trying to figure out how in the world I am going to get out of this one.  I figured I would let the dog out and run into the kitchen and grab some money.  I did that and as I waited for the dog to come in, I calmly told Ella that I would help her look again.

Head upstairs and I just randomly start babbling (to myself) and I yell downstairs asking Ella if she looked here, there, etc.  Then I decide I can say I found it.

Me: “Ella!  Here it is!”

Ella:  “Where?”

Me:  “It was right here under your bed.”

Ella SLOWLY comes up with her cheery attitude and looks.  I thought I got this!  Only to be shot down with…

Ella:  “That is NOT it!”

Me:  (seriously) “Are you sure?  It has to be.”

Ella:  “It was from the last time!” and storms off.

Me:  THINKING “Ummmm no it was NOT from the last time you little you know what!”

I just stood there in complete shock.  How did this not work?  But instead of trying to make it work, I decided to let it go.  I decided if she wanted to be grumpy about it then I would let her.  I can’t make her accept it.  I even contemplated letting the cat out of the bag.  But then I knew that if I did she would do the same and ruin it for her brother and sister.  So our day went as planned and the topic was never brought up again.  And the money from the tooth fairy is still under her bed!  I know where I will be going when I need some cash for a coffee this week!

Oh and for the record….still have no idea where the teeth are!

I am over…

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Feeling so negative right now.  I think my frustration level as a mom has reached its limit.  I try so hard to stay positive but some days are harder than others.  They say once you say it, it is like you are releasing it, and you feel better.  So here it goes…

I am over being a slave to my kids.

I am over repeating myself 100x’s and my kids still don’t listen.  I have thought about recording it and just hitting play.

I am over the laziness of my kids.

I am over the sense of entitlement my kids have some days.

I am over trying to understand my moody 10 yr. old.  I know I wasn’t like this at this age.

I am over the “boy” smell that oozes out the pores of my son.

I am over the smell of urine every time I walk into the bathroom because “someone” has missed the toilet.

I am over the constant fighting my kids do among each other.

I am over talking to myself.

I am over dealing with typical kid behavior.  Some of it is just plain annoying.

I am over trying to figure out a meal for the 3 nights a week we are home that will make everyone happy.

I am over looking at piles in my house.

I am over things breaking or needing to be replaced and trying to find the time to concentrate on it other than at 1:00 am.

I am over being the “bad guy”.

I am over trying to figure out a way to make my kids want to help out and appreciate what they have.

I am over being so frustrated that I cry.

I am over expecting things that maybe I shouldn’t be expecting.

I am over yelling even though it feels good sometimes.

I am over beating myself up over mistakes I may or may not have made as a parent.

I am over being over it.



Wasn’t Expecting This

Just when you think you have it all figured out….BAM!

I was reminded that I may not get off so easy with Gracie in regards to the loss of Ryan.  This is the perfect example of how naive I am. I guess I just assumed because Gracie was only 15 months old, she wouldn’t really think to tell her little friends about her daddy. Naive I know especially since she has grown up with his memory very much alive and knows most of her friends have a daddy.  But not once but twice this week she has told 2 of her friends that her “daddy died” and is in heaven.

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I have to say hearing she told them didn’t upset me like I thought it would.  Obviously this is all she has known and so I think it is very natural for her to just say it.  It kind of makes me proud of her.  I am proud that she doesn’t see anything wrong with telling her friends. I am proud of how mature she is about it.  I am proud that I didn’t turn into a blubbering mess when I heard she did tell her 2 friends.

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So here’s to one more hurdle in this game called life.  The prize is knowing you are handling things in the best possible way and in the process raising some remarkable kids.



Dear Young Parents,

Last week while in Disney, I was able to see parents in all stages of parenthood.  Some had little ones.  Some had, like I did, the tweens. Some had the their young adult children.  I was drawn to the parents with their young children.  I wanted to pull them aside when I could see the stress I had once experienced with my own children at that age and say….

Dear Young Parents,

ENJOY every moment.

Enjoy the tantrums because these tantrums are easily fixed.

Enjoy the cuddles because they will be far and in between as they fight to be independent.

Enjoy the kisses because before you know it, you will have to sneak them because it isn’t “cool”.

Enjoy the obsessions of dressing a certain way because dressing like a princess or a pirate every day will not last forever.  You will be lucky if they wear underwear or change their socks.

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Enjoy them wanting to be with you all the time because once they find an activity or make friends of their own, they will choose them over you.

Enjoy the talking non-stop in your ear because as they get older you will be begging for them to tell you one simple thing that happened during their day.

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Enjoy watching endless hours of their favorite Disney shows because they will soon be replaced with shows that have questionable messages.

Enjoy their sweet voices because soon they will turn hormonal and you will look at them and wonder if you gave birth to them.

Enjoy the little giggles because there is nothing more joyous than those belly laughs.  As they get older, you will fight for them to find humor in anything you do because they will think you embarrass them.

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Enjoy wanting to eat them up because believe it or not there will be days when you can’t stand being around them.  YES this will happen especially around the age of 9 1/2 – 10 1/2.

Enjoy when your kiss makes everything better because life is hard.

They are only young once and then they turn into aliens and then hopefully they turn into amazing adults because of all your hard work!  So ENJOY!!!

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Time for New Traditions

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I have to say one of the reasons I love social media is seeing pictures especially on holidays.  I love seeing what traditions others do with their families.  I LOVE traditions.  But since Ryan has died, I have to admit I have completely slacked in this area.  I think it is because the traditions we were starting are too painful for me to continue doing with my kids.

But seeing some of the fun traditions this past weekend and Ella turning 10 has made me realize that I need to start them again.  I’ve always known that I didn’t have to do the same ones.  But I think I didn’t want to rock the boat all at once.  I wanted to keep some continuity.  I love traditions and making holidays fun so I am really looking forward to trying some new things.  I just hope the kids are equally as excited.  But we all know kids so I will not be holding my breath!

It is time for me to start enjoying the holidays a little bit more and bring back the fun.  Of course I still cry and miss Ryan terribly.  But I want to continue my promise to myself that my kids would grow up with a lot of great and meaningful memories.  So it’s time for some new traditions!